Non-Valentines Day.

I have officially deemed February 14th Non-Valentine's Day. I'm sick of the made up holidays to extend people's interest in their lives. To make people spend money for no reason at all, just for the mere sake of spending money. Now don't get me wrong, I love to shop, but the things you buy on these holidays just end up at a thrift store or thrown out or forgotten. The weird smelling flowers you bought are just going to dry out and rot, the chocolates are just going to make that special someone gain weight that you'll find unattractive in your shallow ways which will ultimately make for difficult relationship... see where I'm going with this? No good comes out of Valentine's days. So I've made this day Non-Valentine's day. And with that being said, have a shitty Valentine's day, wasting your money and your words. It's not a real holiday anyway. :D

i can't help but feel helpless. i can't help but feel like im losing touch. i can't help but feel nothing. why can't i just stay the same, forever. the thoughts are so awful but i have to do something. i need to do something. i need the feeling of nothing to go away. as redundant as it is. i need to let go. cut my losses. give up. go home. move on. it's not working. it's not what it's supposed to be. im too young to let it be this way. to put up with it. to worry this much. what's wrong with me...

Yes, I know I've made a thousand mistakes. I know I've hurt a lot of people.
The guilt that dwells inside of me does not need to be poked at.
Ever.

Circa 2009

giving up.

oh really?

Well, Fuck you.
I can do way worse.

Forgive.

I don't think my heart will ever stop beating so fast from the way you kiss me, the way you hug me, the way your say my name. Your love and promises will always make me smile and you will always hold my heart, but can I have your attention forever?

Grady died last night at 6:45p. I cried so hard and my father must be much more devastated than I am. I can't imagine how he must feel. I just want to be with him and not let him be alone at this time. He needs someone around, not to be alone.

I want to get healthy. I want to lose weight that the chiropractor said I couldn't lose. I want to look at myself naked and not feel this wave of guilt and disgust.

Under a tree that never grew any leaves.

I love you more and more everyday. I wish you would take care of yourself more. I don't want to lose you because you don't eat right or don't take vitamins. I want to be better for you, mentally, emotionally, and physically, won't you do the same?

I am connected. I've set up a tumblr (had one), formspring.me, have a twitter (before it got huge), this blog and facebook. So if anyone ever says they couldn't get a hold of me.. I'll call bullshit.

When Jonathan and I went to Providence last weekend, I brought my 35 mm, though it just needed batteries. It apparently does NOT work. I wanted to cry I was so upset. Instead Jon took my shopping and we spent time in the hotel, laughing, joking, kissing, hugging, and sleeping. It was a weekend that I needed and it won't happen again for a long time. We need to save money for an apartment (even though he's the only with saved money and I have a persistent shopping addiction that doesn't match my income or the amount of bills I owe.

My ultimate goal for the month of January 2010 is to get a full time job. I love what I do at BR but I need something consistent. I can't be surprised at how many hours I'll have next week or the next week. I need to have a standard job where I know how many hours I'll get next week. I almost feel like I shouldn't have quit acosta and just gone back to resetting because that was lighter on my back. I at least got a steady 24 hours a week and had insurance. Ugh, me and my attitude problem.

Catch me if you can!
http://www.formspring.me/monathenaeum
http://thiefsociety.tumblr.com/
https://twitter.com/thiefsociety
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=profile&id=738800084

school.

starts next monday.
so excited.
kinda nervous.
really am not stoked about homework....

...maybe I'm not SO excited...

rant.

So I haven't been the most active writer on either of my blogs or on my twitter accounts... I'm becoming socially inept. I never know what to talk about with people or to relate to them anymore. Making new friends is hard because I feel like the thoughts in my head are happy right where they are and don't want to come out of my mouth. I've also noticed I'm happy a lot more. Not as stressed out. Maybe because I'm not MAKING myself stress out. I've been trying not to think of things in a such bad, corruptive ways. Instead of making things seem worse than they are, I just see them for what they are and deal with them head on.
I hung out with Anna tonight. I've decided to steal her hair color, with her approval of course, and to start eating healthier (that has nothing to do with her, just a decision). I've missed her and her antics. She always used to do the craziest things and I'm sure she still does. She's so creative and thinks/sees things in a such a different way that makes her... her.
I go back to school a week from today.. wow. That's so soon. I can hardly stand it. I'm super duper excited but also very nervous. I have to put in my availability change at BR and I am waiting to find out about the Delias position. This makes me nervous because I really, really want the job and am willing to work in Burlington for a while just to learn and train for the position of Co-Manager in Salem. This is a great step in the right direction and I just hope that I will be able to fulfill their needs. I'm ready to get my life on track and just have one job.
Since going to the Chiropractor, I have been feeling less uncomfortable, less pain and less difficulty dealing on a day-to-day basis. Sitting and standing have become an easier task, working and standing for long periods of time have been easier to deal with but paying $45 a visit is really killing me. This is why I need a more consistent income. I can't do the 'how much will I get paid next?' or 'I wonder how many hours I'll get this week." It's too stressful for me. I've been taking Vitamin C, 2k mg of Fish Oil and B-Complex. I have definitely felt a difference with the Fish Oil but the difference with the B-complex is hard to distinguish.

I just remembered I have laundry sitting in the washer downstairs... -.-

Good Night.

ugh.

Not only am I upset that Sea Wolf is on the New Moon soundtrack but I am getting more upset when I hear this songs playing on commercials. Just when you think you've found a good thing.. The record labels and public have to choke it to death..