Starlight.

I have been obsessed with Muse lately, and I have no idea why.

I finished Twilight in 7 days and I finished New Moon in 4 days.

I purchased the last two books of the series today. Siq.

Watched a few scenes from the movie Twilight... was not impressed. It's so commercialized and Americanized.

They make Bella's father look like an alcoholic, deer-huntin' hick... And the Cullen family was casted with the weirdest of actors and actresses. Not impressed so far, it ruins the intensity of the book and its details... 

Smooth Criminal

65 Days.

I am prohibited to legally operate a motor vehicle until the 25th of February. No one should ever be treated in such a condescending manor as I was today. I was profiled because of my age. Scott E. Woodman stereotyped me because I was born in 1989 and not 1988. I am being punished for a "crime". If you were not already aware, when approaching the tolls on Route 3 Northbound, you MUST be slow down from 65 MPH to 35 MPH or you will get a ticket and you WILL get your licensed taken away for an outrageously large amount of time. My father's dog is treated better than I was in those 23 minutes. I was insulted, degraded, and subjected to discrimination. You bet your fucking tight white republican ass, Scott E. Woodman, that I am getting a copy of that recording and taking it to my lawyer. "Oh you did take the safe driving course.. apparently that didn't do you any good." That is on record.

Four days after I get my license back, I am moving to Massachusetts. 

Sunday, however, was great. My mother loved taking the bus to Boston, she liked the T, and she LOVED the musical. I did too. I was really adorable. The cast was believable and the kids loved it, too. 

I finished Twilight on Saturday. It took me 7 days to read it. New Moon, here I come.

Velocity Girl

Snow can be so beautiful. Like this picture for example. It seems so quiet and lovely, until you have to drive in it. Snow is slippery, deceitful and unforgiving. I got into a car accident yesterday, because of snow. I was NOT speeding, I was not driving unsafely. I was just driving home from work, my car, while changing lanes, spun out of control and I landed in a ditch. Thank goodness that there was a fence to stop my car from sliding, otherwise I'm sure that I would have crashed right into one of the trees or even slid into the frozen lake about 20 feet farther than the fence. I hate driving in the snow. I wish I lived in a city where public transportation was more accessible. Fuck NH.

I've been so depressed today, that was the scariest moment of my life. So scary that I didn't stop shaking for over an hour. I feel like just sleeping and never waking up. I don't want to work at Zrinka on Saturday, it really is the most boring job (beside Spiderbite) that I have been employed at. 

Christian came over last night, and it was great. We haven't seen each other in a while so it was great to talk and spend time together. Now that I am finally okay to be around, since I've been sick I've been avoiding kissing him and hanging out with him so that I wouldn't get him sick as well. How can one be immune to Mono?...

I need to get a new phone, mine is falling apart. I will in about two weeks or so. I'll have enough money to spare then, but not right now. I need to call my father tomorrow to ask if he will pay my 500.00 deductible for when I get my car at the shop. They insurance company offered me a rental, but I don't think I want to take it. I haven't told them yet, but what's the point of having it? Tomorrow, I'm not leaving the house; Saturday, My mother is driving me to work; Sunday, my Mother is driving to Londonderry to the bus station and then taking the T everywhere when we get to Boston; Monday is my hearing and, well, we will see what happens from there. It would be really great if I just get a 20 day slap on the wrist because by the time I go back to work I will only have about a week left of getting driven around. These next two weeks are going to be so relaxing, too bad I won't be getting paid for them. Blagh.

Twilight is such a good book, it is impossible to put it down once I get going. I have a feeling that this Saturday at work, I'm going to finish the book. It just keeps my interest so well and I'm excited to compare the book to the movie. I promised myself, and Lorelai, that I would read the book before I watched the movie. I'm a little over halfway through it, so this is going to be a piece of cake to get through. I'm going to be really frustrated if the ending is bleak. I seem to have this problem, where I read a book and hope the ending is going to be such a valuable piece of closure... but recently, I have found that some books aren't so bad at the end if you don't expect anything from it in the end, just closure for the plot and story being told. Like Requiem, Mass. by John Defresne. That book was good, he sidetracked A LOT, but there were some great points made and the ending made up for the certain lack of concentration.

A Trusting Stranger.

Christian is someone I dated back in July, but I broke things off due to me being emotionally unstable to handle a relationship at the moment. I stopped talking to him and eventually forgot that I even knew him. I sent him a message on Monday to talk about what had happened and to tell him how I was very sorry how things ended and how they were handled back in July/August. I was expecting a cold response, but since he isn't a begrudging person, we actually had a great conversation. We agreed to go out to dinner that Wednesday. Wednesday came and the night went well over dinner. I was really happy that I had talked to him. I am finally so VERY ready to be with him. I had never realized how wonderful he is for/to me. For example, the other night when we were supposed to go and see a movie, we got into a bit of a disagreement and it was over quicker than it started. He is just so understanding of my mood and emotions, I don't know how he does it. 

Today we had a talk about how I don't trust people very well. I know that we all have been through a lot and as far as trust goes, it's different for everyone. Christian is such a trusting and caring person, that he doesn't think twice about the things I dwell over most times. I over analyze all the time, more than I'd like to, really. I guess it is just harder for me because I'm still learning about people and how to weed out the bad ones when I see them rather than just have a permanent chip on my shoulder to keep people away from me. I assume that's where he and I differ, he trusts everyone and I trust no one. I told him that I am going to try my best to let my guard down for him, to show him that he is the one I want to be with, that he is the one that is right for me give all of my feelings to. He said it was a start, so I guess that's good. I miss him...

I get really frustrated with everything lately, so I've decided to start taking St. John Worts. Apparently they work wonders and I need to calm down. I just yell a lot and swear constantly. I always feel like I'm so angry over nothing, that the littlest things get on my nerves. I come home and I feel like everything I see makes me want to throw it across the house in a fitting rage. I try so hard not to mad or upset with things that aren't worth the energy, but sometimes fighting the urge makes it so much worse. I assume a lot of it has to do with stress. I'm really not excited about the 22nd. There's nothing I can do, it's going to get taken away and I'll be a burden for 45 days. I hate that feeling, the burden one.

I was reading Twilight today and I found a typo on page 120. Hahahaha.

Coming Of Age.

I am currently looking for an apartment in Massachusetts. Somewhere relatively close to the city, but also not far from the NH border, due to my job. I found some great locations and the pictures show the apartments to be rather adorable. I can see myself living alone in the city, the only conundrum with that is Anna wants to move with me and doesn't want to live without me. Which I would love to live with her but she seems to change her mind about moving every 10 minutes. Yesterday we were texting about it and she said "Can we stay in Manchester for a while?" And I said that staying in NH is out of the question, I can't live here anymore. I want to move to a new place with new people and make my own life. I really want her to live with me but she is taking too long to decide on what she wants. I will be ready to move out come mid february, making it possible to move in to an apartment March 1st. If my license gets taken away for 45 days, then February 5th will be the day I get it back. I just need to save a lot of money in the meantime. Anna wants to move back to Arizona, but she knows I won't move there. I have my heart set on Massachusetts, for now.

My mum is playing Christmas music in the living room, haha. It's weird that it's Christmas already. I love it, just not spending money on presents. UGH. I just talked to her about my moving dilemma, and she understands my side completely. She always does. Mainly because we have the same idea of going about situations. I've matured so much that we barely ever fight or disagree. When I get mad or when she gets upset, it's usually me being cranky and her getting mad that I gave her an attitude.

I'm really excited to write for Rice Candy magazine. It sounds great and I can use it as a reference for the future when I pursue my fashion journalism career. I brainstormed for the article today and tomorrow I'll start researching and gathering information about the trends I listed. I wonder what they'll use for the first cover. I'm interested to see what it will be.

Work for the past few days was restless, with the exception for today considering my Saturday job is slow and uneventful. Harvard yesterday was horrible and I was sore, sweaty, and tired. I'm never going to Paper ever AGAIN. I hated it. It was like all the people I wanted to never see again, in one place. Omar told me to just think about how I don't ever have to go again and that will make me feel better. It was no fun whatsoever.

Happy 17th Birthday Lorelai Jennifer Elizabeth Taylor! :)

I love you!

Speak Silently.

I went to the lawyer's office today. He was really nice and up front with me, which is great. He gave me some really great and FREE advice that I am taking into consideration. He told me that if I wanted to pay him $500.00, he would speak for me at the hearing. I told him that I get nervous really easily, and he said that I shouldn't be because I already know the outcome. He also informed me that I would NOT be obligated to file for an SR-22, which made the situation a little easier to deal with. I hopefully can bring a good argument forward to the examiner so they know how much I need my license or to just get the 

suspension lowered or just get my probation extended for another year. I would be so happy if could just be kept on probation 

until I was 21. That would make life really great. But I do

ubt that will happen. I know I did something wrong and I accept it. And I am slowly accepting the fact of losing my license. I will be VERY grateful if I get the extended probation, but I am coming to terms with the suspension.

Lorelai and I didn't talk today, I didn't get home until a little while ago. I went to the bookstore to clear my head and think about what the lawyer said to me. (He said that I would be a good lawyer.. weird ha.) I love Lorelai for always being there for me. No matter what I'm like, if I'm cranky, sad, mad, happy... doesn't matter, she's there to listen and so am I. I really wish that I had the money to go there for her birthday, I'd love nothing more than to surprise her for that day. Maybe for her 18th. That would be even better, considering that's a big day, in the U.S. anyway.

Anna is ill and sleeping, I've missed her today. I think that's why I got upset when she wasn't at work when I went to visit her today. I missed her, a lot. You spend so much time with someone and a few hours away from them makes you go crazy. I'm glad she's safe in the next room.

So Much Trouble.

I had my hearing this morning. I walked up to the window to hand in my license for the hearing and the woman informed me that I had two hearings today. I said that I only received a letter for one hearing. She told me that I had a hearing for Under 20 and a violation of probation. I then waited with my mother to be taken into a room with an examiner. The examiner told me about the two hearings and I told her I did not prepare myself for two hearings, just the one Under 20 hearing. She told me that she can move the hearing to a later date so that I can hire a lawyer for the case, which is exactly what I'm going to do. It's going to be expensive, but if it will make my odds better, then I'll do it. Now I just need to find a nice lawyer. The hearings are set for December 22, 2008 at 9:00 am. Hopefully, I will be ready by then, but I am relieved to have my license for another three weeks. The week of the hearing, my first job does not have work for those two weeks due to the Christmas holiday. This works out pretty well. I'm okay, for now.

Yesterday was Manchester's first snowfall. The falling flakes were beautiful until the rain came and made everything slippery, wet and slushy. Driving wasn't horrible but I really hate driving in this weather. My little car can barely handle it.. poor little front wheel drive.

I'm going to learn to crochet today.. or soon. I haven't decided the order things I'm going to do today. Anna is with Patrick right now and it's quiet here. I'm exhausted from stress, worry and lack of sleep. I really should get off this fucking computer and watch a movie/nap. 

My left arm started to get really red, but just on my inner elbow part. It was swelling and irritated. I didn't know what to do about it so I asked Jonah and he said to just wash it with soap and water and not to use lotion or any kind of ointment. This has never happened with a tattoo before. Anna and I think it's because he dug too deep into my skin. Whatever it is, I'm not so stoked on it, all all.

Let Them Eat Sqaush.

Photo By: Anna Rose.

I've been listening to Person L so much lately. They really aren't horrible, Which reminds me to download all of American Nightmare, because I love Wes. He's great. I remember seeing Person L for the first time and not understanding their music but after seeing them for three nights in a row I realize that I really like them. I need to pick up more blank CD's as well. 

To Burn:

The Fray

Travis(for anna)

The Shins

The Album Leaf

I woke up this morning with a rather upsetting and annoying headache on the front left side of my head, where the temple is.. yeah it killed. I also felt like I was going to vomit everywhere. My mother came in and asked why I was so awake so early and I told her about my bodily malfunctions. She gave me some Advil :) and a swig of Pepto for my stomach. I got a wet rag and placed it over my eyes. That seems to be the only remedy for that kind of thing, it blocks out the light so I can sleep and not worsen my headache, and it cools me down while my comforter keeps me warm, making me sleepy. I slept for another 2 hours I think.

I don't want my Mum to go to dinner without me, I'd feel bad because she'd be all alone. I don't find that very fair. Oh and for the record, Pumpkin Whoopie Pies are really great.

This time of year, Thanksgiving that is, really isn't my favorite. I mean I don't need an excuse to eat tons of food and gain weight... I end up doing that once a month when my "bill" comes. So this year it would make sense that my "bill" is on its way as we speak and I feel the cravings, the pain in my chest and my moodiness. (No one reads this so I'm not too worried about anyone getting grossed out.) I've decided that I will keep tradition and still get dressed up, a little, for this event. Nothing too special.

I'm awfully worried about my hearing on my Monday. I wish it would just disappear and I can go to work and enjoy the day like I always do. If I end up getting my license taken away, I will be very upset. It isn't fair that with my responsibilities that I pay that kind of consequence. I would, in a heartbeat, help out at the soup kitchen, food bank or any other type of community service. I will pay any kind of fine to get out of it. Whatever they need to do without taking my license away. I've been really good for these past few months and in 6 more months I turn 20 and I won't have these hearings anymore. And ANYTHING to avoid an SR-22. I can't have that, that's not fair. I'll take any stupid class again, even though we don't learn a damn thing while we're in there. I'm rambling because this subject scares me. Scares me to death.

Scabbing.

I love my best friend more than anything. She's always there for me, with me, right there to listen to anything I have to say or vent about. She's usually in the right frame of mind, I'd like to say. And so am I. We feed off of each other's level-headed-ness it seems. Our friendship has stood through so much and today she told me something that really made this past year worth fighting for. 

Today she told me that she couldn't handle moving back to Maine and me living in Massachusetts. She said that I am her family. This feeling that I felt when she told me that, I don't know, I've never felt it before. It was like an overwhelming rush of heartfelt love and compassion. I've never had ANYONE say something like that to me. I've never really thought that moment would come, but it did, and my heart grew bigger... for her. The only thing that would probably make it go back to being smaller is if she comes to me one day and says, "I think I'm going to move to Maine with him..." and then my heart will shrivel back inside its cave, never to grow again.

My heart is no longer stable to withstand the heartache of all that's happened to me. It's taken a hard beating and I don't think it will survive another heartbreak, heartache, or heartflu. (A heartflu is when you are being tossed around with mixed feelings and your heart gets sick from all of the messy feelings being sent your way.)

The rest of the day was great, made cookies, made pillows, saw Aaron, made dinner, made sleepies. :)

Now will everyone just stop crying about stupid shit and worry about things in life that really matter? Like the fact that Anna is not going to be home for 3 Days. :(

Simply Put.

Photo By: Anna Rose

I'm pretty sure that when someone ignores your text messages, IM's, friend requests... I think that means they don't want to talk to you. Bryan obviously doesn't that. He will NOT stop texting me and trying to talk to me. Anna thinks it's funny because he really didn't do anything to me. Well, he forgot that we had plans, for the second time in a row. and I evaluated his level of necessity in my life and... he doesn't really matter all that much to me.

Let's take a look at the Pro's and Con's shall we...?
Pro's:
He's funny.
He's good to talk to, sometimes.
Con's:
He's extremely perverted.
Desperate.
Shallow.
Annoying.
Nosey.
Case Closed.


I'm moving to my Father's in about a month or so, after I find the outcome of my hearing next week. I'm really nervous but I feel like they will give me the benefit of the doubt considering my three jobs and the fact that I went out my way to ask my companies for letters of support. The notice said that there is no such thing as a "work only/restricted" license in the state of NH, which I think is bullshit. Why is this the only fucking state that blows so hard? I really can't wait to move to Massachusetts. I can deal with the taxes, I can't deal with NH anymore. It makes me sick.

Come Closer.

Photo By: jls.

When mid-February hits, I will have been single for a year. Being alone has become a way of life for me. I see people around me having to be attached to someone for affection and attention. I guess I've found the answer to being alone and living with it. Work and hobbies. It's weird how my life went from constant social connection to no connection whatsoever. I alienate, of course. But I like it that way. I ignore, of course. But it's better that way. I've burned a lot of bridges and people around here make me sick to my stomach. They constantly need someone to boost their self esteem, to talk to, to swoon over. No one just looks at their life in a whole and how they feel about it, what they've done, what they're doing, what they'll do next. I'm not saying it's necessary to plan your every move, but having an idea of what's good for your life, present and future, is helpful. People thrive too much on human contact. Granted, one will go insane in course of not having any human contact, but my phone will be inactive for days and it doesn't even phase me anymore. People need to constantly be texting, IMing, emailing, talking, socializing.

When did the world become so dependent on social entities?

Shoot.

Hi.

I just watched The Dark Knight. I don't quite understand why everyone was so obsessed with it. I liked it, sure, but as far as raving about the film for hours on end, not so much. I figured that something much more interesting would have happened. I'm still very partial to the older makes, you know, the one with Jim Carrey as the Joker, and that other actor, I can't recall his name, as Two Face.

I don't think it was great of them to put "Two Face" in there for only less than half the movie. It doesn't end a lot of the scenes very well. Like when the Joker crashed the benefit for Harvey Dent and Batman swooped in and handled the situation, ended up saving Rachel and then it just cuts to the next scene... What about Harvey in the closet? What about the Joker still upstairs searching for Harvey? Some scenes didn't have closure and I wasn't too pleased with that.

Overall, I thought it was a good film, decent. I don't understand what all the hype was about though. I've seen plenty of other good movies. There was no need for everyone to build it up in my head that it was going to be "the sickest movie ever!". No, no it was just okay.

It's freezing here. 31 degrees to be exact. I'm wearing a long john shirt, pj pants and shorts underneath, also contemplating on wearing a second pair of socks. I still have to pick Anna up from work soon. I'd rather not, but I figure I'll be up for a while anyway considering I have no work tomorrow til later.

I called Dawn about my issue and she said that she would gladly help me out with a letter and letterhead. I really appreciate them doing this for me. A suggestion from my mother's co-worker was to offer hours of community service. I would GLADLY accept that. Now that the holidays are coming, and I've already worked in Food Banks when I was younger, it would be a great deal to accord to.

My new tattoo looks great. I don't have any photos of it yet, I don't feel the need to. Once it is all colored in a few months and looks better than just an outline, then I will show the internet world, but for now I'm okay with just people I see, seeing it.

x.

Blank Page

Photo By: jls.

I have a tattoo appointment this tuesday. It's going to cost me 400.00 for the outline and to start some shading for about 5 hours. I'm really nervous and excited but I have faith in Dave. I drew up what I thought was a good starting point, and he kinda shot it down. I didn't want it to look like traditional flash work and I didn't want it to look so real, I wanted it to look like an illustration. I'm excited to get an owl on me. It's going to be so pretty. I really wish Mike was home but I know he is having tons of fun in the UK. He better bring me back something good.

Lorelai and I just sat in silence for about 20 mins. It's not that I don't want to talk to her, it's just we both have nothing to talk about. I'm deathly tired anyway. I don't know why either. I had a red bull and it pretty much didn't effect me whatsoever. So now I'm "blogging" and listening to Fleet Foxes, which reminds me to check my last.fm after this. I never keep up with that anymore even though it's a really great site to broaden your musical horizons. I've been listening to a lot of Silversun Pickups today and yesterday. I forgot how obsessed I used to be with them.

I don't know if I should read, do laundry, take a nap, cross stitch or watch a movie... which also reminds me to check out that site that Uncle Dan gave me, Hulu.com. He said that there are a good amount of movies and TV shows that I can watch on there. When I get rich (hahaha) I'm going to have the BIGGEST movie collection ever. I love to watch movies and read. I get really caught up in the characters and such. It's a great way to excerise the imagination and mind.

My eyes hurt.

Begin.

I've never blogged before, and have never thought about it. I came across this site and decided it would be a great way to start something new in my life and to organize some creativity building up in me. I hate using deviant art and such because it's just like MySpace, but for artists. I'd rather keep my thoughts separate from livejournal, deviant art, myspace and facebook. Too many people use those sites and here I'm sure I can find better feedback about my ideas and problems.

The first few things I've been thinking about lately is getting more tattoos (and finishing the one I have started) and creating more art. I haven't been as creative or as productive as I thought I would be since dropping out of college. I just feel so uninspired and busy all the time, that when I sit down to draw or do anything, I get sidetracked with other thoughts and problems. Illustrating isn't as easy as it used to be. I used to be bursting with ideas and now I'm fresh out of anything interesting.

I've been wondering why this is, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm going through a drought. All I can do is wait for something good to come to mind. Something worth developing and spending time on...