school.

starts next monday.
so excited.
kinda nervous.
really am not stoked about homework....

...maybe I'm not SO excited...

rant.

So I haven't been the most active writer on either of my blogs or on my twitter accounts... I'm becoming socially inept. I never know what to talk about with people or to relate to them anymore. Making new friends is hard because I feel like the thoughts in my head are happy right where they are and don't want to come out of my mouth. I've also noticed I'm happy a lot more. Not as stressed out. Maybe because I'm not MAKING myself stress out. I've been trying not to think of things in a such bad, corruptive ways. Instead of making things seem worse than they are, I just see them for what they are and deal with them head on.
I hung out with Anna tonight. I've decided to steal her hair color, with her approval of course, and to start eating healthier (that has nothing to do with her, just a decision). I've missed her and her antics. She always used to do the craziest things and I'm sure she still does. She's so creative and thinks/sees things in a such a different way that makes her... her.
I go back to school a week from today.. wow. That's so soon. I can hardly stand it. I'm super duper excited but also very nervous. I have to put in my availability change at BR and I am waiting to find out about the Delias position. This makes me nervous because I really, really want the job and am willing to work in Burlington for a while just to learn and train for the position of Co-Manager in Salem. This is a great step in the right direction and I just hope that I will be able to fulfill their needs. I'm ready to get my life on track and just have one job.
Since going to the Chiropractor, I have been feeling less uncomfortable, less pain and less difficulty dealing on a day-to-day basis. Sitting and standing have become an easier task, working and standing for long periods of time have been easier to deal with but paying $45 a visit is really killing me. This is why I need a more consistent income. I can't do the 'how much will I get paid next?' or 'I wonder how many hours I'll get this week." It's too stressful for me. I've been taking Vitamin C, 2k mg of Fish Oil and B-Complex. I have definitely felt a difference with the Fish Oil but the difference with the B-complex is hard to distinguish.

I just remembered I have laundry sitting in the washer downstairs... -.-

Good Night.

ugh.

Not only am I upset that Sea Wolf is on the New Moon soundtrack but I am getting more upset when I hear this songs playing on commercials. Just when you think you've found a good thing.. The record labels and public have to choke it to death..

Well, Lookie Here.

AWESOME.

PS: Just heard that 76 children have died from Swine Flu since April.

Hospital Beds.

http://thiefsociety.tumblr.com/

The Reader

"I'm not frightened

I'm not frightened of anything

The more I suffer

The more I laugh

Danger would only increase my love

Would sharpen it

Would give it spice

I will be the only angel you need

You will leave this life even more beautiful than you entered it

Heaven will take you back and look at you and say,

'Only one thing can make us so complete

And that thing is Love'."

I fell in love with this movie.

I could watch it over and over without getting tired of it.

This poem is incredible beautiful, and I will have it in my memory for as long as I am alive.

4.24.2009-4.26.2009

The Weekend's Events

(in the form of images)

This week should be interesting...

My Aged Youth.

This is currently ruining my everyday life:

Degenerative Disc Disease.

I was diagnosed when I was 17 years old. The cause of it? The doctor says it was because I wasn't physically active as a child and then started exercising when I was 14, via school track, and it caused my discs to deteriorate because of the pressure of running.  I started to have weird feelings in my legs when I was in high school track, like numbness in the hamstring area and the feeling that my legs were asleep while I was running. I spoke with my coach about it and he said that it was my cya-tic nerves acting up, so he recommended that I start taking some back medication, Doan's. I did so and continued to run and participate in track meets. Early in my Junior year, I ran for a charity race for the school.. I had run over the summer and kept up with my training to ready myself for winter track season.. Then I collapsed while running the road race. My legs had gone numb to the point of me not being able to feel my muscles or to keep walking. Thank god there was a police car only a block down redirecting traffic. He got me on the backseat and called for an ambulance. I just remember going to the hospital and getting x-rays done. They gave me some back medication, stronger than what I've been taking and I spent a day in bed. 

My mother got the name of a spine specialist in Lebanon, NH. We went for a first visit and that's when they looked at my x-rays in front of me and explained what I had, why I had it, and how to treat it. She also informed me that I was no longer able to run because of the pressure/damage that had occurred on my discs.. I wasn't able to participate in track that season, or ever again. 

Back in October of 2008, I woke up very sore for work and took a shower, getting out of the shower I felt worse.. Then I started to scream in pain from muscle spasms and not being able to move from a lie-down position. I couldn't stand, walk, or sit. Just going to the bathroom was excruciating for me. Half way through the day (I had called out of work), I called my mother crying and screaming because I was simply lying still and my back would spasm.. It truly is the worst pain I had ever felt. My mother took me to the Emergency room and I was prescribed drugs that were very helpful for sleeping and easier to move with, but the pain and soreness was still there. Eventually I went back to work and my back was just sore at times, things I could live with.. 

For the past week and a half, I have been in extreme pain from just sitting or standing for too long. I avoid doing simple things, like laundry, so that I won't be in pain. I've been taking 1000 mg of Exedrin, Tylenol PM, Naprosyn, Flexeril, and using Bengay/Icy Hot patches on my back every single day. I either need a massage or.. surgery. Two options for surgery are: A. fuse my lower lumbar section, making the pain go away, but also forcing me to fuse my entire spine by the time I'm 30... this would also mean limited flexibility from the hip and up. B. This option would be to have an artificial disc put in my spine aka Metal screws and spacers.. Like this one:

This wouldn't be such a horrible idea if I HAD insurance... which doesn't kick in until May 1st, in which I highly doubt that it would cover anything that major/expensive.

So that is what has been going on with me, physically, lately.

Emotionally: Jonathan has been the best boyfriend/support/caretaker there ever could be. He truly is the best thing that has happened to me. I wouldn't trade him for anything. Every moment I spend with him, I cherish deeply. My words and gratitude aren't enough for what he's done for me. 

Thank You, Jonathan.

You have my heart, always.

Taking It To The Interwebs.

I'm a pretty frequent viewer of Craiglist ads for jobs, yard sales, books, and when the time comes that I am utterly bored out of my skull I sit and laugh at all of the desperate ads that men and women post on that site looking for "love and LTR's". So it comes as a surprise to me that so many men/women my age are looking for their soul mate on a site that sells old shoes and handmade furniture. There is nothing wrong with waiting for the love to come to you. It's becoming more obvious how depressed, hurt, and emotionally drained the dating circuit really is. They whine and complain about how they can't find the "right" person to share their life with. Why do they have to spend so much time looking? A lot of them are just lonely and old. So get a hooker for the night. That'll satisfy their needs for a few minutes.

Also another questioning matter is why do they all feel the need to take it to the internet? Have they ran out of resources, friends to kick it to, and phone numbers to call? The internet is the most impersonal, free place to be anyone you want to be, so why do these schmucks post their pictures and spill their heart and soul out to the world of the unknown hoping not to get hurt? It's all very pathetic and wait-and-see. Generally speaking, these 'internet relationships' never work... I've never once met a couple who were married and met on the internet. It all seems empty and unpromising.

How far are we willing to push ourselves and endure to find our 'soul mate'?.... I just sounded like Carrie Bradshaw.... weird.

I should stop watching so much Sex And The City..

Did you dream it?

I always dreamt of my wedding day, the big ceremony with the big dress and the fancy reception. But I never really considered actually BEING married. I just thought it would be the same. Watching a few shows and seeing a few real life friends get married brings the concept into a perspective. Does a few words, a piece of paper and some rings really change the way a couple acts, feels, and lives?

I am now unsure if I ever want to be MARRIED. Have a wedding? Sure. But be legally bound to someone else for all of eternity... that's a long time. And to think, I almost made this mistake a year ago.. Marrying someone I barely knew, in a place I didn't know at all. Is it all worth a good party and the spent money to be with this one person forever? I know, I'm speaking very cynically, but that's because I don't even know I ever want to be married. I'm so young, and he's so young; Then why bring up something that may never happen... to make each other feel "more secure" of the situation? Saying you want to be Mr. and Mrs. Something-Or-Other doesn't stamp a permanent smile on your face or a feeling of love in your gut forever.

Do you think marriage changes feelings and people or is it just a title?

Sew It Shut

Things have been very very... productive lately. I stopped blogging because I didn't have much to say about anything or anyone. 

I'm not even sure if I do right now. I'm writing because I just feel like writing. I've started to think about how much I care about certain things and how much I truly don't care about a lot of things. Will I ever care like I used to? When will enough coldness and hate be enough?

I'm not sure if those things will ever happen, but I do know the things I care about are what make me wake up in the morning and be who I need to be for whoever is still around.

I've started drawing more and trying to see art in more things, like I used to. Picking at my brain for inspiration is becoming easier with more things I see and how I interpret them.

Living on my own has given me this great feeling of an anvil being lifted off my chest, but now there is a large boulder in it's place. This boulder? The burden of rent, more bills, and worrying if my roommate is going to be pay rent this month.

Since getting my license back I have: Moved out, In the process of getting a third job, and have become more involved in my thoughts, creatively and emotionally.

The more I think about being with him for the rest of my life, the more I can actually picture it. He means the world to me, and no one knows but me, how truly loving and caring he is.

This surprises me because I don't remember the last time I smiled, laughed, and felt in love. It's like a whole new feeling. Why didn't I find this sooner? Why was I even trying to fight the feelings?

Oh right, because the asshole before him lied and lied and lied. Trust is hard to gain and give. Sealing the deal would mean forever. No turning back. Am I ready to become this one person's for the rest of our lives?

To grow old and be still in love has always been a dream of mine. Never falling out of love or ripping apart what two people have for one another, this is the step I'm willing to take for him.

This is shocking for me to say but... he is the air I breathe, the lungs in my chest, the blood in my veins and the heart pumping his love through every cell in my body.

I will never let this go. He is my everything. Will we be happy forever? Will our love ever die? I don't know, He doesn't know. But we do know that for as long as we're together, we belong to each other.

His soul fits mine.