Yes, I know I've made a thousand mistakes. I know I've hurt a lot of people.
The guilt that dwells inside of me does not need to be poked at.
Ever.

Circa 2009

giving up.

oh really?

Well, Fuck you.
I can do way worse.

Forgive.

I don't think my heart will ever stop beating so fast from the way you kiss me, the way you hug me, the way your say my name. Your love and promises will always make me smile and you will always hold my heart, but can I have your attention forever?

Grady died last night at 6:45p. I cried so hard and my father must be much more devastated than I am. I can't imagine how he must feel. I just want to be with him and not let him be alone at this time. He needs someone around, not to be alone.

I want to get healthy. I want to lose weight that the chiropractor said I couldn't lose. I want to look at myself naked and not feel this wave of guilt and disgust.

Under a tree that never grew any leaves.

I love you more and more everyday. I wish you would take care of yourself more. I don't want to lose you because you don't eat right or don't take vitamins. I want to be better for you, mentally, emotionally, and physically, won't you do the same?

I am connected. I've set up a tumblr (had one), formspring.me, have a twitter (before it got huge), this blog and facebook. So if anyone ever says they couldn't get a hold of me.. I'll call bullshit.

When Jonathan and I went to Providence last weekend, I brought my 35 mm, though it just needed batteries. It apparently does NOT work. I wanted to cry I was so upset. Instead Jon took my shopping and we spent time in the hotel, laughing, joking, kissing, hugging, and sleeping. It was a weekend that I needed and it won't happen again for a long time. We need to save money for an apartment (even though he's the only with saved money and I have a persistent shopping addiction that doesn't match my income or the amount of bills I owe.

My ultimate goal for the month of January 2010 is to get a full time job. I love what I do at BR but I need something consistent. I can't be surprised at how many hours I'll have next week or the next week. I need to have a standard job where I know how many hours I'll get next week. I almost feel like I shouldn't have quit acosta and just gone back to resetting because that was lighter on my back. I at least got a steady 24 hours a week and had insurance. Ugh, me and my attitude problem.

Catch me if you can!
http://www.formspring.me/monathenaeum
http://thiefsociety.tumblr.com/
https://twitter.com/thiefsociety
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=profile&id=738800084